Retail Ad
I was doing ads for the school paper at Chico State (The Orion), and one day some guy said they needed an article written, so I volunteered and submitted this and they published it.

Picking the right apartment in college is a subtle dance, an intricate art laced with whispered secrets and forgotten myths. Maybe you’ve toured a spot with your soon-to-be roommates, maybe you’ve found yourself staring at the freshly painted walls, wondering what raucous debauchery they have witnessed, what untold madness has raged within their restraints. As you soothingly caressed their surface, ear cusped against the drywall, your roommate probably walked in and questioned whether he really wanted to live with you. But he knew not the art of house selection! The sighing of the wooly carpet, tope in color, Oh so very tope! He knew not the murmur of the ceiling fan, nor the hushed call of the kitchen countertop. But you heard, it, and oh what a symphony it was, ringing forth from every corner of the room, telling of keggers and kick-its and times forgotten. And oh how you danced! to be finally rid of the tyrannous restraints of the dorms, the iron shackles of curfew, The leaden ball of the the dining hall. Now replaced by the boundless freedom of personal space and yes, even your own individual room. Your dance was probably cut short by a concerned bystander who told you to “Seriously knock it off bro, you’re making us look weird” and that was acceptable, for amidst the clamor you had caught a whiff of something amiss, a nameless fear that loomed forward in the future.

It was that of roommates. People whose job it is to wake you at all hours of the night, unhindered by the very curfew you so loathed, but which also kept you safe from nocturnal disturbance in your subsophmoric cocoon. To devour your food, which you bought especially for that one moment when you got back from midterms, and all you wanted was a microwave burrito. These people are an unfortunate but necessary side effect of gaining domestic independence. To minimize the ill effects of living with uncouth behavior, all new home-renters should pick their roommate’s with as much caution as they exercised in selecting their place of living. Throw aside your sophmoric ideals and switch your compassion to OFF. Because the selection of roommate’s is best done with cold practicality and meticulous indifference. Those who are able to exercise this icy caution will be rewarded with both a pleasant semester, and if lucky, even a nice apartment to spend it in. By now, picking an apartment may seem more daunting a task than you had expected, but fear not dear reader, continue to dance within your quarters as I know you will, for you too hear the music of the apartment, it’s sweet embrace, and it’s glorious anthem…of freedom.