by Max Nelson on August 22, 2014

I Made Guacamolé
photo 1
photo 2

Throughout the weavings of time man has striven to make the perfect guacamole. Though the path has ever been fraught with bats and untold perils greater still. He has overcome these dangers time and again to emerge triumphantly above a steaming bowl of fresh made delicious guac. This is only the beginning. Years have only strengthened both sides, increasing the number of bats, yet hardening the resolve of man. There is no question that these bats thirst for blood, or that their filthy dreams are lined with deceit and filthy lies. Yet to defeat one’s enemy, one must know them, as one knows their own babysitter’s nephew. And greater, one must first hold their hand, or claw, or wing…-or winged claw..thing depending on one’s enemy, but lets be honest, the enemy is probably a bat. Studies show that 99% of enemies are bats, and that 100% of those bats are filthy stupid poo-poo heads, who steal your beans in the night. They steal all your beans, and for no reason other than they are bean-hungry and half-crazed for the want of beans. Their eyes glisten with reflected bean juice, as their tiny drooling mouthes open to let out a bean-crazed screech, that echoes off the chamber walls and into the ears of poor unsuspecting children in nearby villages. I will eat all those beans, says the untrained man, the novice, whose reactionary solution is valid, but sadly misled, for hiw own hunger for beans blinds him to the cool, yet elusive guidance of logic. The thinking man devises a more sound plan, that he must build a castle of beans, a fortress, comprised entirely of beans as well as an odorous bean-like adhesive. The thinking man knows this fortress must be hexagonal, and in alignment with various constellations, so that the bats may never penetrate its ornately decorated gates. Thus concludes the thinking man, whomes understandings entail that complex problems require equally complex solutions, and though, sure he may enjoy a bean or two from time to time. I mean who doesn’t, just a bean or two never hurt anyone. A small handful of beans has surely never done any great harm, unless you recall the tragic handful-of-beans incident in 1989, but fortunately we do not speak of such disagreeable topics here in polite society.